Tuesday, July 29, 2008

MRI - FYA

So, tonight I had my first MRI.

My doc took pity and sent me to an "open" MRI (I use the quotations because, if any of you have ever had an "open" MRI, you know this term is used loosely). Why open? Because I am psychotic and would totally FREAK OUT otherwise. So I got the "open" one. Whatever. You're still stuck in a tube.

We stopped and got a coffee for the ride, which was ridiculously stupid because I ended up peeing like 5 times while I was waiting, because I was afraid I'd have to pee once I got in the machine, and I was all fidgity and nervous. Which of course made me have to pee even more. AND I was told my tattoos might get a little warm inside the machine... What? WHY? Why would that be?

And why is it that when somebody tells you "OK, now DON'T MOVE. You can't move at all... do your very best to stay completely still; this will take about 20 minutes" all you want to do for the next 20 minutes is move? Everything twitches involuntarily, and you can't think about anything else BUT moving, and how totally uncomfortable you are being stuck inside a loud, banging, claustrophobic tube. It's all consuming. My Tube Time literally went something like this: 

- Oh, God, don't move. I can't move. I just moved. Are we going to have to do this sequence again? Oh, no - I can't do that; can't stay here that long. Close your eyes. Don't move, damn it - DON'T MOVE. Damn it, my foot just twitched. Did they see that? Oh, shit - there it goes again. God, WHY can't I stop twitching? How hard can it be to just stay still? OK, breathe. Relax. What? TWO more sequences to go? Oh, I'll never make it - I'm glad I peed like 14 times before I came in here. Maybe I shouldn't have peed. If I had to pee, I'd be thinking about how much I had to pee instead of about how hard it is not to move. Is that Van Halen I'm listening to? What? A double shot? Oh yeah - it's Two-fer Tuesday. Shit. David Lee Roth. Twice. Could be worse - it could be Barry Manilow. Actually, Copa Cabana would be kind of entertaining. Why am I getting so warm? Oh - right - the tattoos. They're bubbling under my skin. Bang. Rattle. Bang. Rattle. Whir. Whir. Whir. Wow - it's really loud. At least I can't hear the crappy Van Halen. Twitch. Shit - there it goes again...

And that, my friends, was my MRI, in a nutshell. Aren't you glad you tuned in?


2 comments:

hellomelissa said...

that is so weird... we were just talking about mri's and the inevitable twitching over dinner tonight.

i always do lamaze breathing to get through it.

hope the results are happy!

happy pants said...

never been to lamaze - the only exposure I've had to it is the bit in Bill Cosby's "Himself" routine. Think that would work? :-) Oh, yeah - one torn disc, two bulging ones - and they aren't light and fluffy like they should be. Flat like pancakes. My discs are degenerates.